


To Lose A Family

by Sugar_Crazed_Fangirl



Category: NCIS
Genre: Angst, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Harsh topics, Mentioned violence, Minor Character Death, School Shootings, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, read with caution, triggering topics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-11
Updated: 2017-03-11
Packaged: 2018-10-02 16:06:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,410
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10222148
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sugar_Crazed_Fangirl/pseuds/Sugar_Crazed_Fangirl
Summary: When (Y/N)'s sister is killed in a tragic way, (Y/N) is left with no family left to call her own. Will it break her? Or will someone on the team pull her from the brink?(Takes place about mid to late season 3)





	

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys,
> 
> This is one of the most dark, heavy fics I have ever written. I honestly made myself a little uncomfortable writing this. Some heavy, heavy topics are discussed here, so if any of the following makes you at all uncomfortable, please either do not read this fic or proceed with the utmost caution:  
> School Shootings  
> Self-Harm  
> Attempted Suicide
> 
> If any of you, ANY OF YOU, are ever having suicidal thoughts, whether it be because of issues related to the ones discussed in this fic, or for any other reasons whatsoever, my inbox is ALWAYS open. Please talk to me anytime. I myself struggled with self harm for a time, and did wind up contemplating suicide. But, I got the help I needed, and I want to be there for anyone else who may be struggling with the same thing. 
> 
> Don't be afraid to talk to me anytime, I check my AO3 account multiple times a day so I will always respond within, at most, 24 hours. I will not judge, I will not accuse, or scold, or put you down. I only want to help and provide any support I can.
> 
> Key:  
> (Y/N): Your Name  
> (Y/L/N): Your Last Name  
> (Y/S/N): Your Sister's Name  
> (S/N): Suspect's Name  
> (If I missed any, let me know and I'll update this)

          I looked up when I heard the chime of the elevator door, and placed a bookmark in the novel I had been reading as I stepped out into the office. Looking over towards my desk, I spotted Tony, Ziva and McGee standing around the plasma screen, watching some sort of video. Smirking slightly I made my way over to stand behind them, opening my mouth to greet them, but Ziva spoke before I could.

          “This is awful, I wonder if she’s found out yet.” She said, shaking her head. “What are we going to say to her when she gets here?”

          “What can we say? She’s going to be devastated, and she’s already been having a tough time lately.” McGee responded. Confused, I tried to get a closer look at the screen. It was showing a news broadcast, with the headline saying “3 DEAD IN HIGH SCHOOL SHOOTING.” I furrowed my brow. “At this rate she could-“

          “Hey, guys, what’s going on?” I cut in, trying to step closer to the screen. All three of them jumped and Tony immediately switched the picture on the screen to show the info on the suspect we’d been after for the last several days. They all blurted out rushed greetings and were talking over each other, but I was more interested in what had been on the screen. That building looked very familiar…too familiar.

          “Tony, can you go back to the news thing?” I asked, reaching for the remote in his hand. He grimaced and held it away from me, looking at Ziva and McGee as though silently asking them what he should say.

          “It was nothing, (Y/N), don’t worry about it, we need to focus on catching this guy or Gibbs is gonna have our hides.” Tony told me, his voice oddly strained as he held the remote further away from my grasp.

          “I just want to see something real quick, Tony, give me the remote.” I said, finally taking it from him. I ignored him as he tried to stop me again and flipped back to the news broadcast. They were now showing a blonde woman talking on a street corner, but I could still make out part of the building behind her. “Wait, that’s my sister’s school, what’s…” I questioned before turning up the volume a little so I could hear what the woman was saying.

          “…as two students and one faculty member were fatally shot before the gunman, who has now been identified as Marc Rivas, turned the gun on himself and ended his own life.” As she spoke a picture of a teenage boy with greasy black hair and freckles appeared on the screen next to her. My stomach dropped as I recognized the person in the picture.

          “…that’s (Y/S/N)’s boyfriend, he seemed so nice. I can’t believe he would do something like this.” I reached into my pocket and pulled out my cell phone, scrolling through my contacts. “I gotta call her, she must be devastated.” Just before I hit the call button, a hand grasped my phone and took it from me. I looked up to protest and saw Gibbs standing there, holding my cell phone. “Oh, crud, hey Gibbs, uh, I just wanted to call my sister real quick, make sure she’s alright and everything.”

          “That’s not gonna happen right now, (Y/L/N).” He replied to me, setting my phone on the corner of Tony’s desk.

          “Boss, I just want to make sure she’s ok, that was her boyfriend that shot those people, and she’s going to be freaking out!” I exclaimed, trying to reason with Gibbs. I noticed Tony and McGee looking like they were going to try and say something, but Gibbs cut them off before they could.

          “It’s not going to happen right now.” He repeated. I groaned a little, trying not to roll my eyes.

          “Gibbs, I understand we’re on a time crunch to catch (S/N) before he kidnaps someone else, but this is my sister I’m talking about, I’m responsible for her and I have to know whether or not I’m gonna need to go and-“

          “(Y/N), stop.” He cut me off, his voice hard and much quieter than usual. His words caught me off guard, my words fading from my thoughts as I processed that one short statement. As he did with McGee, Gibbs hardly ever addressed me by my first name, he almost always called me by my last name. The only other time he’d called me (Y/N) was when I’d almost gotten killed by a suspect we had been tailing. I opened my mouth to ask what was going on, when the woman on screen began speaking again, and I turned my attention to see what she was talking about.

          “This just in, one of the victims has been identified as 17 year old (Y/S/N) (Y/L/N), a junior at Central Polk High School and also the shooter’s girlfriend. It is believed she was trying to stop Rivas from hurting one of the teachers when Rivas turned the gun on her and shot her. Our sources tell us (Y/S/N) was most likely killed on impact. We do not yet know the names of the other two confirmed victims, but we will keep you posted as we receive updates. As far as-“

          The remote fell out of my hand and hit the ground with a thud that didn’t even register in my mind as I tried to wrap my brain around what was just said. All four of the people around me were looking at me with pity in their eyes, and Ziva looked like she might even start to cry. All the air seemed to have been sucked out of my lungs as my heart dropped through the floor down to the basement. I covered my mouth with my hands, a sob threatening to rip its way up my throat and out into the air before me. I vaguely heard Gibbs say something before I saw Tony reach out and gently grab my shoulder.

          “-you to take her home, Tony. I’m putting her on leave for the next few days to give her time to grieve, and I need you to make sure she gets back to her apartment safely. She can’t drive in her condition, she’ll crash before she gets a mile out.” Gibbs said, his words almost muffled to my ears.

          “You got it, boss.” Tony replied before lightly turning me around and guiding me back toward the elevator. Behind us I made out Gibbs speaking to Ziva and McGee, but I could no longer hear exactly what he was saying. Tony kept one arm gingerly around my shoulders as we stepped into the elevator and the doors closed behind us.

 

~~~TIME SKIP~~~

 

          It seemed as though I had barely blinked before Tony and I were sitting in his car parked outside my apartment building. Next thing I knew we were standing in front of my door, and I heard Tony clear his throat. I shook myself slightly and looked up at him to see him with a look on his face that told me he was waiting for the answer to a question I hadn’t even heard him ask.

          “Uh, sorry, what did you say, Tony?” I asked, my own voice sounding like a strangers. He sighed, smiling sadly.

          “I said are you ok being by yourself from here, or do you want me to stay?” He inquired, one eyebrow raised slightly in a much sadder version of the sass I had come to know and expect from him. I swallowed hard before answering him.

          “I think I’ll be fine, I guess. I mean, Gibbs probably wants you back ASAP, so you can go if you need to. But you can stay if you want, I don’t mind.” I rambled my reply, pulling my house keys out of my pocket with strangely shaky hands and attempting to fit the key in the lock without dropping it, a task I was having an unusually high amount of trouble with. I heard a faint sigh from Tony again before he reached out, taking my keys and fitting them into the lock, turning and opening the door. “Oh, thanks, Tony.”

          Stepping inside, the first thing my eyes fell on was a dirty plate and a half empty glass of water sitting on the kitchen counter, which I knew had been left by (Y/S/N) as she rushed to get out the door this morning, late as always. I opened my mouth to yell her name when it hit me like a moving van: there was no one here to yell to. There wouldn’t be anyone here to yell at anymore. (Y/S/N) was gone.

          A sob finally tore out of my mouth, and once it hit the air I dissolved into tears, falling to my knees on the carpeted floor as I sobbed. I heard the front door close behind me and my keys land in the small dish on the table next to me before I felt Tony wrap his arms tightly around me and lift me off the floor. I clung onto the front of his jacket and cried as he carried me into the living room and set me down on the couch. The cushion next to me dipped as he sat down next to me and held me against his chest. He didn’t say a word as I cried my heart out with my face buried in his chest, just sat there and held me for what felt like hours.

          When what seemed like days had passed, my sobs slowly died away to faint sniffles and hiccups. Tony hadn’t left the entire time, just rubbed one hand up and down my back as I cried. I hardly noticed as I ended up crying myself to sleep.

 

~~~TIME SKIP~~~

 

          When I opened my eyes, the light in my apartment was the dark yellow and orange of sunset. My eyes and throat were sore from the crying I had done. It didn’t take long for me to realize I was alone on the couch, lying down with a blanket over me and Tony nowhere to be seen. I sat up, tears threatening to spill from my eyes again as what had occurred came crashing down onto me again. I covered my face with my hands, my shoulders shaking with new sobs.

          (Y/S/N), the only family I had left…dead. After our parents died shortly before my twentieth birthday, my sister, still in elementary school at the time, had gone to live with our aunt until I finished college a few years later, when she came to live with me. It’s been almost seven years since we became orphans, and in that time we lost our aunt as well, leaving us with no one else to turn to but each other. She’d text me when she knew I was working a tough case with the team, reminding me to eat or to get some rest before I burned myself out. At many times, (Y/S/N) was the only one keeping me sane. And now, she was gone.

          Grief and sorrow like ice in my blood, I stood and trudged into the bathroom, closing the door softly behind me as I flicked on the lights. I sank to the floor with my back against a wall, fresh tears running down my cheeks. I had no one left now. Nobody to keep me grounded, to keep me sane. I sniffed, my breathing rough and shaky as I pulled the cabinet under the sink open and pulled out a small wooden box, locked with a tiny padlock. Reaching under the linoleum curling up from the floorboards, I gripped a small key between my fingers and unlocked the box, opening it as I tossed the key across the floor.

          Inside the box was the one thing I’d promised (Y/S/N) I’d never pick up again. The silvery blade seemed to mock me with its shine as I lifted it from its home, placing the box down next to me on the floor. I turned the razor over in my hands, watching the bathroom light bounce off of it onto the wall opposite me. Not even really thinking about my actions, I lowered the blade against my arm and drew it across my wrist, a thick red line blooming in its path. I watched the blood travel down my arm with a kind of mindless admiration before repeating the action again. And again. And again. And on and on until multiple red lines crisscrossed my forearm and my vision was blurry.

          I felt the razor fall from my hand onto the floor, cutting my palm as it dropped, but it was like feeling something from far away. My body slumped to the side until I lay on the bathroom floor, the cool tile against my cheek and a red stain beginning to spread from beneath me where my arm rested. I hazily made out the sound of someone banging on the bathroom door, and a voice that sounded so like Tony’s calling my name as my eyes began to slide shut. I smiled, almost feeling my sister’s hand in my own as my consciousness ebbed away like a tide. I just barely made out the silhouette of the bathroom door opening and a figure moving towards me before my eyes closed completely. I tried to say something, but my voice vanished into the air as I drifted into nothing.

 

~~~TIME SKIP~~~

 

          A faint beeping sound was the first thing I registered as I regained feeling in my body again. Bright lights seemed to sear through my closed eyelids, blinding me before I’d even opened my eyes. I could feel a gentle pressure on my hand, and I focused on that as I slowly opened my eyes, keeping them narrowed against the glare of the lights.

          The room I was in was small and very white, and thin sheets covered my body. I tried to turn my head to look around, seeing a counter and a tall monitor next to me, which I quickly realized was the source of the incessant beeping I heard upon first waking up. A thin wire connected the monitor to the underside of a small sticker on my arm, and just below that a bandage held a small tube in place that was connected to a bag on a stand next to the monitor. The bag was almost empty, and the spot where the tube disappeared under the bandage felt cold. Beneath that smaller bandage, crisp white gauze wrapped around the majority of my lower arm, and I could just barely make out a reddish brown color seeping through the bandages.

          Still feeling slightly out of sorts, I looked to my other side to see none other than Tony sitting in a chair beside me, his head resting on the bed beside me and his hand resting atop my own. His eyes were closed and his breathing was deep, so I took the time to examine him. His face was rather scruffy, as though he hadn’t shaved in a few days, but I could have sworn the last time I saw him he had been clean shaven. Not only that, but his hair seemed even messier than usual, as if he’d been running his fingers through it multiple times. I frowned and opened my mouth to say something when my breath caught in my throat and I broke out into coughs.

          When I finally recovered I looked at Tony again to see him staring wide eyed beck at me, the hand not holding mine reaching up to gently stroke my hair. I swallowed as well as I could and spoke.

          “DiNozzo, you need to shave, Gibbs is gonna kill you if he sees you looking like that.” My voice was rough, and talking triggered another bout of coughing that had me partially sitting up on the bed. I heard Tony yell for a nurse, and a few seconds later a rather short brunette lady came in and pushed a button on my bed, making it rise up into a semi-sitting position. A cup of water with a straw was held in front of me, and I found myself gulping it down, the liquid first burning then soothing my scratchy throat. When the cup was removed, I looked over at Tony to see him looking at me with an odd expression on his face. The nurse wrote a couple things on the chart at the foot of my bed and left with a quick word to Tony that he acknowledged with a slight nod. When it was just me and him in the room again, he took a deep breath.

          “…why, (Y/N)?” He asked me, his breathing slightly shaky now. I swallowed and spoke, my voice hoarse and barely audible.

          “You know why, Tony, don’t act stupid.” I told him. He frowned at me, suddenly angry.

          “No, I don’t know why! What were you thinking??” Tony exclaimed, catching me off guard with how intense he suddenly was. “How could you do something like that?? Do you have any idea what Abby’s been like since I found you on your bathroom floor? How Ziva couldn’t even be in this room without someone else here with her? Or that Ducky has barely said a word the entire time you’ve been here!” He looked away from me, his lips pressed together as his hands were clenched into fists.

          “Yes, your sister died. You think that everything would be alright if you just went ahead and killed yourself?!”

          “What am I going to do without her?” I found myself almost shouting at Tony, pushing myself further upright and looking him in the eyes, swallowing hard again. Tears were making their way down my face yet again as I glared at Tony. “(Y/S/N)’s the only family I had left, you know that. I have nothing left without her!”

          “That’s not true, (Y/N), don’t say that. You have the team at NCIS, you’ve got Gibbs, and Ziva, and McGee. Ducky, Abby, they’re all here for you, you have all of us!” Tony exclaimed, stepping forward and crouching next to the bed placing one hand on the side of my face and wiping the tears away with his thumb. “The team almost fell apart without you around, keeping everyone on their toes. Losing you would destroy everybody.” He took a deep breath and swallowed hard, looking me in the eyes.

          “Losing you would destroy me.” He finished softly, gripping my hand tightly in his own. Seeing his expression made me really see what I had nearly done, and I started crying all over again.

          “I’m sorry, Tony…” I sobbed, squeezing his hand as I cried. “I haven’t had a real family other than my sister since my folks died. I never really saw that I had one right in front of me, not until now. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” I repeated my apology over and over, wrapping my other arm around Tony and burying my face into the side of his neck, sobbing. I felt him kiss the top of my head softly, and squeezed my eyes shut.

          “You won’t ever be without a family, (Y/N). Too many people care about you for you to up and leave like that.” He told me, his voice soft. He chuckled once. “Plus, Gibbs would kick YOUR ass if you died, and then mine, and he’s unbearable enough as it is.”

          I laughed, the tears drying up in the wake of what Tony had just said. I pulled away and looked at him, smiling crookedly. “Yeah, Gibbs is hard on you enough as it is, huh?”

          “You’re darn right, so you better not be going anywhere anytime soon, alright?” He pointed at me, smirking like his old self again.

          “Alright, but you gotta go take a shower, you reek, Tony.” I told him, and he just laughed and hugged me, our laughter shaking the bedframe I was sitting on. I hugged him close to me, smiling wide.

          I lost my family again, only to find it sitting right in front of me all along. I was going to be just fine.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope this fic is at least decent, I've had a vague story idea floating around in my head for over a week now, and when I sat down to write, this is what it became.
> 
> Once again, don't hesitate to talk to me anytime, I am here for all of you, no matter what.
> 
> As always and forever,  
> Stay Beautiful!  
> ~Amanda


End file.
